Ahh, Poop.

Lucy wanted to go to the mall yesterday so that she and Max could play on the boats.  I aim to please, so we went to the mall.

Of course, we had to walk past the Gap, just to see what was going on in there, and GapKids was offering an additional 40% off clearance prices!  So exciting!

I had the kids in my B.O.B. stroller-  Max was asleep in his side and Lucy was buried in her side underneath the pile of clothes that were just too good of a deal to not buy. Literally, you could barely see her face.  Darn, I should have taken a picture!

Anyway, we pulled into the handicap dressing room- you know, to accommodate my stroller which is the size of a small vehicle- and Lucy was super jazzed to 1) be dug out from under the pile and 2) try on clothes!!!!  My girl loves shopping.

So, we took off her outfit and shoes and began to decide which garment she will try first, and then she started doing the potty dance.  She denied that she had to go potty, though it was completely obvious, and 15 seconds later, she was like MOMMYIHAVETOGOPOTTYRIGHTNOW!!!!

To avoid a puddle in the dressing room, I swiftly grabbed Lucy, who was wearing only her princess panties, and ran!

I stood at the door of the bathroom while she sat on the toilet so that I could keep an eye on my dressing room door, which was wide open, because, you know, I left my son in there.

And then I heard him.  He woke up, and he was pissed!  The door slammed shut behind me as I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped Lucy.  I'll be honest- she hasn't mastered wiping.  I picked her back up and ran to the screaming child in the handicap dressing room.  Nope, we didn't wash our hands.  Don't judge me.

Max never quite recovered from waking up in his stroller, alone in a small foreign room with a large pile of mismatched clothing (it is really tough to find a matching outfit on clearance).  He didn't want to forgive me for leaving him or for planning a trip to the mall during nap time.  He didn't even want to try on any of the clothes that I'd selected for him!  But since I'd already taken off all of his clothes, I thought it was an opportune time to change his wet diaper, and so I did, yep, right there on the bench in the dressing room.  Once he finally settled down, I noticed him take a familiar stance and make a familiar face and I thought to myself you've got to be kidding me- now you are going to poop?

His diaper was soooo stinky and full of poo, and I made the quick decision to change it in the dressing room, again, instead of hauling undressed children back to the bathroom, again. Just as soon as I'd finished with Max, Lucy said MOMMYIHAVETOGOPOTTYRIGHTNOW!!

"But Lucy, I already took you potty!"
"I have to go poo!  Right now!"

I left the door open as I ran back to the bathroom, this time carrying both kids- one wearing only a diaper, and one wearing only her panties.

A young girl offered to keep an eye on my room and commented, "You've got your hands full!" and I wanted to say, "Yeah, and my husband is golfing! In California!"  but I resisted. 

Lucy pooped, I wiped, we all washed our hands, Max screamed some more, I bought only a few items which I will most likely return, and we left the mall without ever playing at the boats.  We had to leave to go to Joe's softball game, which is where I was when I received an email from Joe's science teacher.  He bombed a test and she'd like to meet with him after school....   I took a look at the failed test later in the evening, splattered in red ink, and his efforts were so low that he didn't even spell his name correctly.  "Joe Rant."  Kill me now!!

Some days, I honestly feel like my kids collaborate to take me down.  What are the odds that Lucy and Max both had to poop at the Gap?  And I've been working my tail off to get Joe dialed in at school (and when I remind him of my many efforts, Lucy reminds me that I don't have a tail), and I completely unravel when I find that he isn't doing his part.  This would be one of those times when I dramatically announce to Devon IGIVEUP!, except- have you heard?- Devon is out of town.

I have a counseling appointment this afternoon-  where shall I begin?? 

:)