"Surfing" in the Minivan

"It is grief.  You are grieving.  It is okay to cry."
Maryanne got up from the table that we were sharing and moved quickly across the showroom to the coffee counter and then rushed back to me holding a handful of paper towels.

"Here- this is the closest thing to tissue that I've got."

I wiped my eyes and nose with the rough paper, slightly embarrassed that I was having a major breakdown at the car dealership and that the stranger who was helping me through my "moment" was a saleswoman.

"I suppose that this isn't a typical place to keep boxes of tissues!"  I tried to lighten the mood and take the attention off of the tears streaming down my face.

You know how some people are able to reach you with little effort?   They know just the right questions to ask to break down any walls of defense.   Like, I was already having a rough day- crying from the moment that I woke up- so anyone who looked at me sideways might have made me cry, but Maryanne sat down and first asked me if my family lives nearby.  "No, they all live in California."  Don't cry, Annie!  It is okay!  You like it here, and Devon's family is here.  "But I like it here, and my husband's family is close by." 

"I'll bet that it is hard to raise kids without your family to lean on!"

Seriously!  We can't talk about this!  I can't hold it together much longer!

Devon and Max and Lucy passed through the showroom every few minutes.  Though our table was cluttered with donations from various offices in an effort to keep the kids occupied- stacks of printer paper, highlighters, dry-erase markers, stickers, Subaru brand silly bands- and the floor was a mess with a box of toys from the service department's waiting room, my two babies were determined to explore the entire facility, and Devon took a shift following them and keeping them out of trouble.

Maryanne asked, "Your older son- that was here yesterday- his name is Joe?"

"Yes, he is at school today."

"He seems to be a good big brother."
How is she doing this?

"He is- he really is."  And just like that, we were talking about Joe and my relationship with him and how being his mom has changed my life.
Whew, I rarely make it through that topic without crying!

Finally, she asked, "Do you feel pretty good about your decision to buy the minivan?"

That was the switch that released the tears and transformed my strong face to my ugly cry-face.

I looked at the brand new Volkswagens in the room.  I'd pulled Max out of the red one four times already.  He enters through the driver's door and climbs into the backseat and orders, "Mommy, buy dis!"

I'd rather be buying that one, for sure.
"Yes, I feel good about buying the minivan."

"You'd be surprised by how many people cry here."

"Then you should provide tissue!"  I tried again to bring some humor to the situation.

"Buying a car isn't always a happy occasion.  Often, people are here because there are changes in their lives that require that they make additional changes, like where they live, what they drive, where they work."

Check, check, and check.

"We've had a lot of changes, and I've been okay-  really, okay- until today.  Today is different.  Today is hard, and I don't think that it is about the minivan.  The minivan will be great."  I believed the words that were coming out of my mouth, but my emotions were completely out of control.

Maryanne then told me her own story.  And with humor and optimism, she made me laugh and made me cry more, and ultimately, she made me remember that, really, I've got so much to be grateful for, and sometimes change brings good, and I've got to suck it up and drive this ugly minivan with pride because, Dude!  We own it!  We don't own much right now, but we do own a 2003 Chevrolet Venture.

My sister-in-law texted me while I was at the dealership, and she wrote, "Just hang in there.  Might be a bumpy ride for a while but it always comes to an end.  Just depends on how graceful you can ride the wave!"

So, friends, I'm surfing!

I'm hoping to ride the wave gracefully.  And I'm hoping that the minivan runs for as long as we need it to.  And I'm hoping that it keeps us safe on the road.  And I'm hoping that the engine temperature gauge is supposed to bounce from cold to hot depending on if I am driving uphill or downhill...

And upon further review, the minivan isn't so bad!  My kids actually think we've upgraded from my perfect, beloved, smooth-riding, always stylish Nissan Pathfinder.  Let's agree to not tell them otherwise!

Oh, and did I mention that it is Chevrolet's Warner Bros. Edition?  Yup, Bugs Bunny is permanently stuck on the backside.  Don't be jealous!  :)