Fighting Fair

The kids and I went to Rain City Church on Sunday.  Devon doesn't get to go to church because he has to be at work, but we pray that God will have mercy on his mattress-selling soul. :)

Rain City meets at a movie theatre, but not just any movie theatre- Lincoln Square Cinema, the poshest theatre around.  The chairs rock and recline, the arm-rests flip up in case you want to snuggle a little closer to the person next to you, the lights are low, and the smell of buttered popcorn fills the air. Sounds pretty cozy for church, no?  A long way from wooden pews!

The current teaching series is "Zombie Attack; Surviving the 7 Relationship Killers". 

Sunday's message was about marriage, specifically about what the Bible says about fighting fair.  We all have spats with our spouses, right?  Big fights, small fights, loud fights, silent fights, and my favorite kind- fights where I stew and stress and burn with fury while my husband goes about his business and loves me through it.  Yep, I'm married to that guy.  Devon doesn't really fight, and it takes quite an effort to make him mad.  He doesn't even recognize a fight.  It took me a few years of marriage to learn that when I am mad at Devon, I just have to announce to him, "I am mad at you," because otherwise he would fail to notice, despite my silence, lack of eye contact, and cold shoulder.  Turns out that he can't read my mind (or my body language!).

And we don't really fight often, so I was a bit curious to see if I'd learn anything from Sunday's message.  And sure enough, I did. 

Here's what I have to share from my notes on "Marriage: How to Fight Fair."

Foul #1- always having to be right.

I'm just going to put it out there that I am usually right, but I was reminded to take the competition out of fighting.  Devon and I are on the same team- allies.  We each should be able to express our own thoughts and be heard, and change a fight in our marriage to a fight for our marriage.

Proverbs 18:2 "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

Ephesians 5:21 "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Foul #2- avoiding.

When a conflict isn't resolved immediately, it builds and eventually erupts. Don't avoid conflict, but rather, take care of the issue at once.  Bitterness isn't healthy for one's self or for a relationship.  I  tend to erupt like, "Why do you get to play softball and go to concerts and do fun stuff and I get to clean up after everyone???  I need a break!!!"  Devon will say, "Well, why didn't you say so?" 

Hebrews 12:15 "See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."

Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Foul #3- attacking.

I'm good at this one.  It goes something like this, "Why did you have to get married to someone else before you married me!?!?!?!?"  Devon never knows what to say to me, except to point out the obvious- that I was still in high school and lived two states away and we didn't know each other.  He didn't mean to hurt me.

When someone attacks, they must check themselves for brokenness.  In our case, my issues with Devon's past are my issues to work out in my own heart, rather than attack him and blame him for the pain that they may cause me. 

Luke 6:45 "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Good stuff, right?  The pastor urged us to go home and fight, you know, so we can practice fighting fairly.  I'm going to pick a fight here pretty soon.  Poor Devon.