Birthday Blues

I'm sad.

Nothing bad has happened- don't worry.

I'm just sad.

It is rainy and cold.  My mom left today.  Devon is out of town.  My hormones are playing their part, I'm sure.  And my baby girl will be 4 years old on Friday.

Watching Lucy grow makes me so happy, so why does her birthday make me so sad?

This may sound silly, so bear with me, but I imagine that a mother is connected to her child by several strong ties- like, thick ropes.  From my heart to each of my chilren's hearts, these ropes are connected.  And each year that passes, one of the ties come loose.  It just happens this way, and it will continue to happen, I feel, until Joe, Lucy and Max are grown, at which point only a single connection will exist between me and each of them, and that last connection will always remain because I will forever be their mama.  But the ties that have gone mean that I can no longer protect them, and discipline them, and guide their choices, and kiss all over them, and watch them sleep, and wipe their noses...  My role in their lives- the role that began as being their source of life and nourishment and comfort (except for Joe, of course, because I became his mom when he was six)- slowly changes until my babies are adults and they no longer need me as they once did.  I guess it just makes me sad that time seems to be passing faster than I'd like.

And, oh, motherhood is such a tricky little game!  Here I sit in a quiet house while all of the kids are asleep, and suddenly I feel sentimental about not being needed one day.  The humor in this situation is that, well, to put it bluntly, I got my butt kicked by Max and Lucy today.  It was a bad day.  Max hit Lucy with toys, Lucy told Max that she didn't love him anymore, I told Lucy that I was going to change my name so that she and Max could no longer whine, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!"  Lovely, huh?  I was tempted to award a trophy to Joe for being the best behaved.  I would think that after a hell-ish day with toddlers, I'd feel pretty happy thinking ahead to when I'm no longer needed as I am now.  I even told my mom as I drove her to the airport, "You get to sit on an airplane all by yourself! You can read a magazine or close your eyes!  No one is going to need you or say your name over and over and over!  You are so lucky!"

Yet, I am sad.  Tricky game, see?

And she is only turning four.  What am I going to do when she starts kindergarten?  Good grief.

But during my long and daunting day, there was joy to be found in watching Lucy ride her new bicycle.

Lucy received an early birthday gift from my mom and me (and my dad and Devon too, because they fund our gifting!).  Her first bike!  She was so excited and insisted that I assemble it immediately.  I was excited too, so I busted out my tools and got to work.  Max was in my way, intruding my workspace the entire time.  Lucy tried to help but was no help at all.  But we got the job done, and Lucy was such a happy girl.  Max was pretty happy too :)

Do any of you re-live your birthing story each year on your child's birthday?  I do it.  My mom does it.  So, four years ago on this day, my doctor told me that I probably would not deliver Lucy for another week or so.  Little did she know, as she left town for a hockey tournament, that Lucy had other plans!  Tomorrow I get to remember, "About this time four years ago, the hospital sent us home and told me that when I am really in labor, I won't be smiling."  And, "Right about now, exactly four years ago, I decided that I did indeed want an epidural, and I wanted it as soon as possible, thank you very much!"

I'd better get my sad self to bed and rest up, for tomorrow looks to be a busy day.

In case you think I'm nuts, blame hormones.

In case you can relate, I'm so glad we are friends :)