The Adventures of Becoming a Pet Owner

If you know me well, you know that I'm not an animal lover. 

Now, before you get offended by the fact that furry (or scaly or slimy or feathery) creatures don't make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, let me clarify that I'm not an animal hater.  It is just that I wasn't raised with pets, I've always been a bit scared of animals, and I really don't have the desire to ever cuddle up with, say, a cat on my lap.

All of that being said, I've found my perfect match in Devon in that he also does not desire to be a pet owner.  Ever.  We've got kids- we've changed the diapers and now we wipe the booties, and that is the extent of contact that we are willing to have with another creature's poo.  Ever.

With three kids in our house, you can imagine that we've had several conversations that go like this:

Can we get a dog? No.

Can we get a cat? No.

Can we get a lizard? No.

Can we get a parrot? No.

How about a dog? No.

Maybe an iguana? No.

I wish we could get a puppy. No.

Lately, Lucy has really campaigned for a pet fish.  I don't know where she got the idea that life would be better with a fish, but she has been convinced.  We've said no, no, and no.  But, one night after a particularly frustrating bedtime routine during which I was far too involved in getting her to finally close her eyes and drift off to sleep, I buckled and said, "Lucy, if you can learn to go to sleep on your own, I'll get you a fish."  Her eyes lit up and she asked, "Really?!" and Devon also asked, "Really?".  Yep, I meant it.  Whatever it took to not have to ever again sit on her floor in the dark and wait for her to stop twitching and humming and talking while she postponed sleep, I was willing to pay up.  Besides, what is the going rate for a goldfish these days?  $.25? 

So, a chart was made and stickers were involved, and Lucy was well on her way to earning a pet fish and making my life easier with a more efficient bedtime routine.

Skip to last Saturday.  It was the day, and off to Petsmart we drove.  Joe and I were amused that Petsmart could be Pets Mart or Pet Smart.  Is it one or the other or both?  Irrelevant, but anyway, it should be noted that I don't love pet stores.  But there we were.  Within the first minute, I was asked:

Can we get a turtle? No.

Can we get a hamster? No.

Can we get a bird? No.

Can we at least get a kitty? No. But, we can get a fish!

Can we get three fish? No.

The salesman in the fish department was quick to inform me that a fish in a bowl had zero chance of survival, and the only possible way to have a pet fish is to buy an aquarium, and the boxed aquarium at Lucy's eye level was pink with a big mermaid on the front.

Can we get the pink one with the mermaid? No.

The salesman said, "Fish bowls really don't work out, I mean, unless you want, like, a Betta fish, which is kind of a boring fish to choose."

Boring?  We are talking about fish, right?  Is one selection really more boring than another?

I asked, "Well, then why do you sell fish bowls, and five varieties of them?"

"Supply and demand, ma'am. Just supply and demand."

Did he just call me MA'AM???

"Plus, you'll have to wash the bowl, like, three to four times a week."

Oh, good.  More cleaning for me to do.  This fish was my idea???

Saved by the bell- Devon called and interrupted just as the salesman was about to close the sale on a pink aquarium and a non-boring fish.

"Honey, the guy says that we have to buy an aquarium with a filter and a temperature regulator-thingy if we want the fish to live longer.  A fish won't live very long in a bowl."

Devon's response, "Perfect.  Buy the bowl."  Gosh, I love that man,

Forty-five minutes and $24.24 later, we left the store with a fish bowl, a Betta fish, fish food, aquarium rocks, an aquarium plant, and water conditioner, but not before first overcoming two unexpected hurdles- gender assignment and literacy.  Lucy, of course, wanted a girl fish.  No problem, right?  Get a fish, call it a girl, problem solved.  Turns out that Betta fish are either male or female, and because Joe can read and can't keep his mouth shut, he excitedly exclaimed after we had selected the most beautiful and perfect Betta, "Awesome, Max!  Our fish is a boy!  We are getting a boy fish!"

Lucy: "Noooooooo! I really want a girl fish!"  Tears. 

The always-helpful salesman stepped in and said, and I quote, "Males are better.  They are more lively and more beautiful and live longer.  And females, well, they reproduce, but reproduction is really the only thing they can do, because otherwise they pretty boring."

OMG, we are still talking about fish, right?  Because it felt a bit personal.  There were so many things wrong with everything that he had just said, beginning with "males are better" and including "reproduction is really the only thing they can do."  I should have asked him When was the last time that you reproduced, Sir?  And how "lively" is your life, Fish Guy?

Somehow, somehow!, being the amazing, lively, and brilliant reproducing female that I am, I convinced Lucy that though we had selected a male Betta, he truly was the prettiest of them all, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad having a boy if we could pick some nice rocks and a plant for him to enjoy.  She chose pink rocks and a pink plant.  Electric pink.

Max really wanted to pour the fish into the bowl, but I let Lucy do it, which resulted in this-

Meet Finn.

PS- as it turns out, we all really love Finn :)  And Devon and I enjoy asking the kids to check on Finn and see what he is doing.  They are always eager to report, "He is just swimming around!" 

Perfect!